Feeling really depressed tonight. Can't shake this feeling. I just wanna cry myself to sleep. :/

Whole

I'm at my cousin's house which is always bittersweet. I LOVE my cousin and her little family they're such amazing, kind, generous, fun people to be around. But it was here in her home that I tried to first pick myself up when my world was shattered and sometimes when I'm here my memories take over and it gets difficult to be here.

I just want to be whole again. I know this hole in my heart is no longer bleeding profusely like it was when I lived here, but every time I'm here I feel a couple stitches rip and I HATE that. I detest it! I don't want to feel this way. How do I change it?

Memories

So I'm at the laundromat and a young guy comes in and as he walks past the combination of the sweat and tobacco coming from him instantly transports me to a time not so long ago that I'm still trying to escape. Sometimes I really dislike that about scent and memories being so intertwined. Usually times like this. :/

Miss Kayla

The University of Utah

So today I went to the University of Utah to the financial aid office and took yet another step toward getting my degree in Middle Eastern studies!

It felt really good. It felt like I have my feet on the right path again. I'm excited for this new chapter. I'm scared and worried about failing but I'm going forward.

This is going to be tough and I'm probably gonna want to stop but I hope I remember this day and how hopeful I feel. I pray that the Lord will be with me and give me the courage to continue when it would be easier to quit. I know this will change me and it's my intention to be changed into a better person.

Miss Kayla

Testing an app

I'm not very good at this but I'm trying an app on my phone that I'm hoping will help me post more often.

Claire

So today I'm a little bit homesick and when I get homesick it's usually my niece Claire that I miss the most. I feel bad that it's not my other niece and my nephews or my parents/sisters that I miss the most, there's just something about Claire, and if you knew her you'd know what I'm talking about. I was sitting here thinking about the fun stuff that she's said and hoping that I don't ever forget it and realized if I "write" it somewhere I can always go back and read it!! So here's funny stuff Claire said...

"Whenwin...whenwin booty"
She was holding a small stuffed penguin and learning about different parts of the body when she flipped it upside down and completed the sentence.

"Is there Chalklet in they-re?"
While making brownies with my sister she began speaking with what can only be described as a dramatic New Jersey accent.

"Happy Fourth of Ju-lau-ee!!"
I just love the way she she decided July should sound.

Claire to Chani while getting in the car: Are you going to take me to see Prince Charming??
Chani: Depends, who's Prince Charming?
Claire: Papa!!!

"Check the volume, Papa!!"
When my dad was sneezing in the car, she doesn't care for loud noises unless she's making them.

"That's my Dude!!!"
About a boy from her school that she liked to walk into class with.

"Why do I need to shower??....Oh, cause that was gross huh?"
After being sick in the pool all over herself.

"Happy Cake"
She said this when she was about 2 and saw that were about to serve birthday cake for her and my dad. We could barely restrain her, she was so excited to have happy cake!!

"Last morning/day" and "Last morning/day long time ago"
Her way of saying yesterday or some other time in the past.

Chani: Who do you want to marry?
Claire: Your dad.
Chani: My dad? What about your dad?
Claire: It's the same.

"It's an incredible!"
While looking at a convertible car.

These are just a few of the cute things she's said and I LOVE them. I cherish these memories and hope that someday she'll look back and realize what a special child she's been.

Time of year

So today I went to a big box store to pick up my perscription and some cards to send out to the girls in the ward for their birthdays (I'm trying to act like I know what I'm doing) and I noticed it's SCHOOL SUPPLY TIME!!!

I love, Love, LOVE school supplies! I'm not entirely sure why either. I had pleanty of school supplies growing up, it's not like I'm trying to compensate for a lack there of. Maybe it's compensation for something else...hummm....

Anyway there I was in the special area with rows and rows of big bins filled with pens of all sorts of colored ink, pencils both mechanical and traditional, glue both stick and old fashioned white, rulers, compasses, highlighters, markers of various widths, crayons the good ones and the cheap ones, folders of every color and with almost any cartoon character/fuzzy animal, notebooks (and I mean the actual book with pages in it not a laptop), binders, backpacks, pencil cases, rubber grippy things, scissors oh the list goes on!!

I have pleanty of most of the things I need for school. I'm a little bit infatuated with pens and have been for years (I wonder if there's a pens ananonamys I could attend) and today I have to admit, I couldn't resist. I found the new Sharpie pens on sale for $2.50 for 2!! And standard sharpies 8 packs were on sale for $4!! I got nine stick pens for a buck! The biggest thing there was there were 3, count them, 3 purple ink pens!!

I think I buy these things hopping that if I just have the right pens then I'll be able to do better. I'll be more creative. I'll figure out a better way to connect what I'm trying to learn to what I've written on my pages of notes. I'll be a better student. I'll take better notes because magically my hand writting will improve (not that it's really all that shabby). I'll be more enthusiastic about being there because then I'll get to USE all my new school supplies. Alas, tis not so. Sad. And because I was sooo excited when I got home I opened them all and now can't return any of them like I really should. Sad.

I love this time of year when all the school supplies are out. I guess it gives me the hope that this year I'll do better. This year will be different. This year...